Thursday, November 26, 2009

I didn't think today would effect me this way....

This afternoon as we were getting ready for a family Thanksgiving dinner, I was thinking about the family I would see that I hadn't seen in quite a while. I was trying to find a nice outfit, something slimming of course! Everyone knows when you are seeing someone you don't always see you want to look stunning! Then I began thinking about how I would now be showing signs of pregnancy had I not had a miscarriage the end of September. I was thinking about how I knew it was a girl, I just had that gut wrenching feeling it was. She would have curly red hair, and green eyes. She would be born sometime in May. My thoughts were running wild about what this child should have been. However, I KNOW God had a bigger plan! It sometimes never makes sense to the carnal eye yet he knows! He could have been shielding us from a host of medical issues, or perhaps mentally I wasn't ready for child #2 yet. I don't know the reason, but God does. I just didn't expect these feelings to creep upon me on this day. You have to understand that the day of my miscarriage and the day after, I was a complete and total mess. I didn't know those two days if I could live to see tomorrow I was that heart broken. I felt as though my life had been turned upside down. I know I had only known for a few weeks that I was even pregnant. Even then, I was already attached to that life growing inside of me. That third morning I woke up and had the calmest, sweetest, comforting peace I've ever even known. There was a pep in my step and a smile on my face. I knew I had a handsome little boy that I needed to keep going for. I decided I could not dwell on the tragedy that took place. From that day on, sure I think about what would've, could've, should've been but I chose to move on and live my life. That's why today totally took me by surprise. I just didn't expect the flood of emotions and the sadness I would feel. We should never question God, so I'm not going to. I just have to know that He is in control and his perfect will be done!!!!!! :0)

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